QUITTING COLD TURKEY
Sometimes you just can’t quit it. Of course I tried. Like a billion times. But it’s killing me just thinking that I have to let it go. Someday. But not now. Not yet, anyway.
I know it’s wrong but it’s just too good to pass. Even your neighbor agrees. I mean, yes, let’s face the fact that tomorrow, it’s going to be the same old crap. And everybody who loves to mind other people’s business are gonna be saying, “It’s wrong. You shouldn’t do it. You can do so much better than that.”
Maybe, on some level, I don’t want to quit it. There, I admit it. I like it very much. It makes me happy. It makes me feel that I am doing something that is so worth it. It makes me want to wake up every morning and feel that yes, finally, God is giving me a break. Even though, technically, this is not the break that I was expecting. Or what people are expecting I should expect.
But it’ll do. For now. I think.
Hold your horses for a while and stop telling me what to do. I’ve wasted so many moments in my life when I let people overpower me with their all-knowingness. You’re not the boss of me. Who’s to say what I deserve? Who’s to say that it’s wrong?
Yeah, you’re probably right. I am to say. I am to say that this is just one big fat joke. And the whole world is laughing, whispering to each other how much of a loser I am. I decided not to care. Yet deep inside, I’m expecting a pat in the back. At the very least.
Sometimes you just can’t quit it. Of course I tried. But I know, I know. I didn’t try my damn hardest. You sound like a broken record. And I hate vinyl. Vinyl feels like it’s the only thing that emits the coolest sound. Just like you. You think you know everything and what you do is the only cool thing in the world. Well excuse me Elvis, didn’t you die like a long time ago?
For the record, I never let myself think that what I’m doing is the biggest mistake I’ve ever done in my life. For what grounds, you asked? Well, I’m not sure. But I know that I’ve already accepted that this mistake might probably go around for many generations and I won’t have enough reincarnations for me to make up for it. But I’ll be okay with it. I think I will be.
Morals, you say? What could keeping your morals do when everybody wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about keeping those goddamn morals anyway? Plus let’s face it. Even the nicest person you know has skeletons in his closet. You’d probably trade a night alone in the cemetery, inside your own grave, than believe somebody you know is perfect. Don’t give me Mother Teresa. She’s always an exception.
Okay, about your speech on conscience. Is that some kind of new trend that we should all follow? And when will it ever stop talking? It freakin’ follows me everywhere I go like a delusional stalker. Every time I’m about to make the same mistake over and over again, there it is…all smug and high and mighty, mocking me for doing what I do. I could’ve smacked its face with a jackhammer if it’s all it would take to make it go away. Even for just a little while.
But of course we know that ain’t gonna happen.
Fine. I’m making excuses to justify my actions. But could anyone blame me for my weaknesses? Should anyone be crucified for doing something mind-numbingly stupid for the sole reason that it makes them happy?
Yes, happiness may be overrated for many people, but for me it is not. It is so not.
Sometimes you just can’t quit it. Of course I tried. I did.
But I can’t.
Because I won’t.
Yes, that makes such a difference.
DISCLAIMER: Just trying to put myself in the shoes of someone I know who does try to quit cold turkey. So that I could understand, even for just a little bit.