Raising a middle finger to goodbyes.

I think there’s nothing more agonizing than having to say goodbye.

Au revoir, sayonara, good riddance. Whether you’re the one doing the dirty work or you’re at the receiving end, the level of sucky-ness doesn’t change one bit. With 24 years of rollercoaster rides, I’ve been and done both, and there was never a time that I liked being in either situation.

Over the years, breaking down after a send-off has become overrated. If I had a nickel for every farewell-inspired tear I’ve shed, I’ll probably be richer than him.

It’s hard to be in this situation. The next day, you’ve also got to deal with the world’s worst hangover, because as saying goodbye sucks, it’s the day after that sucks even more.

Because last night is just the beginning

PARADIGM SHIFT?

It’s a revolution, a transformation, a metamorphosis. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It is driven by some important episodes in your life, to be ignited by one crucial moment that would finally lead you to something bigger than all of us.

That need for change.

Change – a name we’re all familiar with, but we’re not exactly fond of.

Just like shit. Piss.

And Mikey Arroyo.

I’ll get ahead of you in saying this is not Obama-inspired. Give him a break. He just won a Nobel Peace Prize. He’s got enough attention to last until his term ends.

Nope, not it.

Our dislike for change is due to the fear of not knowing for sure how it’s going to affect our lives, how big its impact on everything we believed in and worked hard for. That’s why we don’t like it very much.

Me, I’m not exactly “friends” with change. I like some things to stay the way they are. I like how some things are mapped out according to how I want them to happen. That even if I close my eyes, I won’t lose my way or trip over because I know exactly where things are.

It’s like learning the alphabet. You mess with the letters, you get dumber by the second.

But there’s that big pivotal moment when you know that it’s important to embrace change. Or the thought of it, at the very least.

I know. This is getting way over your head. You’re probably beating yourself up for choosing to check out the url that links to this site, expecting something a little bit more sensible. But maybe there’s a point to this, which I haven’t reached yet, unfortunately. Let’s see what happens later.

I believe these mushy sentiments have something to do with someone I’ve met a few weeks ago. He’s, um, alright.

Nope, not really. He’s far from alright. He’s a total, first-rate asshole who wrecked lives and destroyed everything that meant to a lot of Filipino people.

He's not in the picture. Or maybe he is. (From: http://annalyn.net)

His name was Ondoy.

A SUICIDE NOTE THAT LIVES ON.

I woke up today and decided to listen to Nirvana. It was an impulse decision but it also went great with my unpredictable, inconsistent rush of emotions the past few days.

As I was laughing in my head over the funny lyrics in the song, Moist Vagina (no kidding), I thought about what’s going through Kurt Cobain’s head while he was writing and singing this. He seemed totally out of control, emotionally, in this particular song. In the middle of his signature rockstar singing prowess, I felt a sense of intense depression and desperation in his voice that I couldn’t shake off. For me, it was more than just a junkie national anthem that reverberated along with the many “Marijuana” mentions.

Next thing I know, I was googling Kurt Cobain as I was more inspired to learn more about the man behind the voice. Truth be told, I only know snippets of his life, mostly through his music, but I never really got to know him outside the confines of his revered artistry and musicality. My good friend Karlo lent me a copy of his Journals but I never really had that much interest to go over its pages until now. (Well, later actually.)

But more than his life, which I haven’t really read that much further, I was more drawn towards his death. Everyone knows that he took his own life by blowing his head off and “and with three times the lethal amount of heroin in his system.” For those who are too sad to lose a rock god, they were even hinting about foul play, that what happened to the legendary Cobain was either homicide or murder. However, his loved ones claimed that he was sick prior to his death, physically and emotionally, and suicidal tendencies actually ran in their family.

UNSPOKEN DEFINITIONS

FRIENDSHIP IS…

♥ forgiveness
♥ late-night talks about the most trivial and the most serious
♥ waking up with their little reminders that it’s going to be a happy day (so stop sulking and smile!)
♥ laughing about everything over pizza, pasta and baby back ribs (and beer and wengweng and vodka)
♥ and then splitting humongous bills
♥ crying over the sappiest stories together
♥ being happy and excited about each other’s latest conquests
♥ calling just to share that we’re happy, sad, angry, disgusted or confused.
♥ calling just to share that Francis M. died. (and then asking if you also cried.)
♥ sharing relationship woes and rooting for that friend always
♥ finishing each other’s sentences
♥ eating your leftovers
♥ borrowing your makeup
♥ reading blogs together; asking you to update your blog because she reads it.
♥ sharing earphones to listen to a song you both like
♥ squeezing tightly together so that everyone gets captured by the camera

II.

♥ walking back and forth in the middle of nowhere, but decided not to bitch at each other in the process
♥ indecisiveness on where to eat and being hungry together
♥ borrowing stuff that would take too long before it gets returned. And being aware of it.
♥ not minding if they’re an hour late. If it exceeds more than that, then there’s the riot.
♥ waiting with you just so you don’t wait alone
♥ giving you unsolicited advices but never judging
♥ telling you once in a while how much he or she misses you

LOVELOVELOVE

First of all, Happy Hearts Day everyone! For all the head-over-heels inlove lovers, may the fire that fuels your passion for each other burns eternally and for the dateless (but never loveless), it’s that time of the year again. It’s a good thing we have friends. LOL

Anyway, to honor St. Valentine, I decided to finally blog after a long hiatus. And it wouldn’t have been more special that I did it in one of the most anticipated days of the year. Valentine’s Day (or Araw ng mga Puso for us Pinoys) is memorialized in different forms, be it in the many bouquets of flowers sold, creatively-packed confectioneries, or in some cases, marriage proposal at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport. The streets and malls are fully emblazoned with Cupids and hearts, and once again, love and all its divine glory is in the air.

For us singletons, who are commonly but unfairly perceived to be sad, bitter and indifferent during this special day, Vday is the hardest to miss. It’s like Christmas all over again, where people expect other people to be with somebody. In fact, some people probably think coining February 14 “Singles Awareness Day” is a strong testament that singles are not really taking this day to heart (pun intended).

But I beg to differ.

The film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind started with Jim Carrey saying, “Valentine’s Day is invented by greeting card companies to make people feel crap.” I used to agree with that (whether I was single or not). Not for spite or anything else, but just because of how the whole Valentine’s deal is usually received. On many levels, Valentine’s Day has become way too commercialized. Businesses get cutthroat to make profits and consumers bite. During this day, most people are actually pressured to do something, anything, no matter how cheesy or ridiculous, just so they won’t feel left out of things, or in this case, of trends.

The Lovapalooza is a prime example. Gathering people in a big venue and then watch them kiss or make out with each other along with thousands of other people is just tacky. It’s like a dirty fantasy. But in all fairness to the organizers, it really was an effective marketing concept. (What’s next, though? Strip shows, swing dances and orgies along Roxas Boulevard? Now that would be a riot.)

QUITTING COLD TURKEY

Sometimes you just can’t quit it. Of course I tried. Like a billion times. But it’s killing me just thinking that I have to let it go. Someday. But not now. Not yet, anyway.

I know it’s wrong but it’s just too good to pass. Even your neighbor agrees. I mean, yes, let’s face the fact that tomorrow, it’s going to be the same old crap. And everybody who loves to mind other people’s business are gonna be saying, “It’s wrong. You shouldn’t do it. You can do so much better than that.”

Maybe, on some level, I don’t want to quit it. There, I admit it. I like it very much. It makes me happy. It makes me feel that I am doing something that is so worth it. It makes me want to wake up every morning and feel that yes, finally, God is giving me a break. Even though, technically, this is not the break that I was expecting. Or what people are expecting I should expect.

But it’ll do. For now. I think.

Hold your horses for a while and stop telling me what to do. I’ve wasted so many moments in my life when I let people overpower me with their all-knowingness. You’re not the boss of me. Who’s to say what I deserve? Who’s to say that it’s wrong?

Yeah, you’re probably right. I am to say. I am to say that this is just one big fat joke. And the whole world is laughing, whispering to each other how much of a loser I am. I decided not to care. Yet deep inside, I’m expecting a pat in the back. At the very least.

IT’S SHOWTIME!

I believe that we are all celebrities. The more popular and adored celebrities who appear in our TV and movie screens are just those who managed to earn boatloads of money from acting much better than us (and of course who are given incomparable beauty and sex appeal. Talent, as always, is  optional.) As for us lowly creatures who are not exactly in the bigger, blinding spotlight, we still have to overcome random judgments and first impressions in our daily lives. We are not that much different from them.

We just have it much easier, I guess.

I feel that society, or the self-righteous majority, is that one big, shameless paparazzo we all try to avoid as much as we can. It’s because every little thing we do and say can never escape past his condescending and scrutinizing lens. What we do and don’t do may not grace the covers of magazines, but they are still juicy stories for some people.

Give me passion.

Flash.

Give me suffering.

Flash.

Give me undivided attention.

Flash.

Give me filth.

Flash.

Give me indifference.

Flash. Flash. Flash.

That “nobody is perfect” aphorism is full of crap.  People saying it, or almost believing it doesn’t exactly mean that they ARE NOT expecting you to be one. Of course, they do. They just won’t tell you.

A REALLY BIG BOOK FAIR

I went to the Manila International Book Fair last Saturday and I found it a bit disappointing. The last time I went there, I was able to score really big discounts and saw a huge variety of hard-to-find books. However, this year’s installment only have about two or three stores that have really great finds and most of the booths comprise Christian and children’s books, which for the record I have nothing against with. It’s just that unfortunately for me, they dominated the entire selection more than I could bear. Also, the seminars and workshops that were featured were not that interesting. But then again, I’m just one opinion.

The silver lining is, I was able to add seven new books on my shelf (although my savings had to be drained out again. *sigh*) But what would you do to have some real geek euphoria once in a while, right? One of my nicest finds was the U2 by U2 book for only P350. As quoted at the Amazon website, this book tells the story “from the anarchic days of U2’s Seventies punk origins through their Eighties ascent to superstardom with the epic rock of The Joshua Tree, the dark post-modern ironies of Achtung Baby in the Nineties and their 21st-Century resurgence as rock’s biggest and boldest band, this is a tale of faith, love, drama, family, birth, death, survival, conflict, crises, creativity . . . and a lot of laughter.”

Told with wit, insight and astonishing candor by the band itself and manager Paul McGuinness, with pictures from their own archives, U2 by U2 allows unprecedented access into the inner life of the greatest rock band of our times.

BIRTHDAYS AND WHY SURVIVOR PHILS. MIGHT NOT WORK FOR US

I’ve never really had a more blissful birthday than the day I turned 23. It’s not so much the idea of having to celebrate it simply. It’s because I felt that I’ve become a much more different person (for the better?), as inspired by my sheer desire to change the moment I turned a year older.

PS: To all the people who sent their birthday greetings before, during and after my birthday, I could never fully express my appreciation for all of you. Some of you even surprised me. That alone makes the day even more special than I ever thought it would be. Merci.

+++

While I was rummaging the Internet for some Survivor Gabon updates, the country’s own version of the reality TV show come to mind (BTW, when will it officially air? Anyone?) Now, I’m not exactly all flaps about the local version even though I’m a super fan of the American show. But I think that there are  factors why Survivor Philippines might fail to be as fun and as exciting as its predecessor.

Here are my matter-of-fact reasons:

1. Pinoys are ultra sensitive.

Survivor is about outwitting, outplaying and outlasting fellow castaways in the game. Yes, it’s also about magically making the most of life in a deserted island, since there’ll be no food or any other form of luxury out there. For this part, I think Pinoys can stand the test of time. We are, after all, one of the most tried and tested nationalities in the world.

But the other side of the game is what I am cynic about. The game is basically screwing each other in the end to win. Dealing with strangers is one thing. Betraying them is another.

Judging by the common Pinoy’s emotional threshold, I don’t think most of them can handle a game like Survivor, especially when emotions usually run high in the latter part of the show. Of course, friendships naturally form in the process and we as a people usually give utmost importance to that. We’d dodge a bullet for a friend, even give up a lot of money for them. Too much righteousness , gullibility and trust can be the boon of any Filipino survivor, IMHO. Moreover, most Pinoys take high regard of utang na loob and palabra de honor so it’s gonna be hard to overcome all these moral standards, and get by in the wilderness at the same time.

Lying, cheating and stabbing each other in the back are a norm in Survivor. The Pinoy moral compass shall be seriously conflicted. I don’t think Pinoys can understand the phrase, “it’s all part of the game” when they prioritize maintaining friendships along the way. And once you lied in the game, even if it’s the smartest thing to do strategy-wise, you’ll be branded a liar forever in Philippine society. And that’ll be harder to overcome.

Hey, I still hope I’m wrong about this.

HEY, IT’S MY BIRTH MONTH!

I’ll be turning twenty-three in 20 days. I didn’t even notice it until the time that I had to sort out deadlines for our Department for next week’s tasks.

I believe that this year is going to be very special for so many reasons. First and foremost, I’ve always loved the number 23. I know it sounds corny to admit but this number has a real special place in my heart for very significant basketball reasons. He inspired me to not settle for mediocrity and to see that the more failures you have in life, the more successful you are.

And now, in a few days, I’ll be 23. I feel so magical just thinking about it. I don’t really have concrete plans on how I would celebrate that day. The only think I know is that I have a few days to prepare to get wiser before I get a year older.

On that note, I would like to share simple principles that help me live each day better, and not just survive with the rest of the world.

(If you believe otherwise, that explains why we are different. Fair?:) )

Never smoke.

I have friends who smoke like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve been inhaling second-hand smoke since I became my father’s daughter. I have a career where yosi breaks and yosi-lizations are all part of the job. But I’ve never puffed one in my entire life. Not even for show. Maybe to save someone else’s life, I’ll try, but for everything else, cigarettes and I will never be in each other’s mouth.

Not even if Johnny Depp says so. (Hey, THAT is saying something.)